February. I Guess. If We Must.

To recap – still might have bedbugs? #unclear But I have been checking and there are no signs so far. I am going to make an appointment with like, Terminix or something soon. I was going to do it sooner, but I didn’t want to cause too many waves at my house. My mother hadn’t left for Australia yet (more on that in a minute) and it just wasn’t worth the hassle.

My mother is in Australia for the next few weeks and it’s fine by me. In fact, I’m totes jealous. I want to fuck off to Australia for three weeks and see everything. She’s been texting a lot and I told her to go have fun and not be on her phone. I think she got the hint and is now on vacation for real. She’ll text just to let us know she hasn’t been eaten by a dingo or something.

In the meantime, I’m still job hunting and it’s the absolute wooooooorst. Like. O.M.F.G why is it this bad. I think some of my ennui stems from the never-ending winter that just keeps coming.
(Yes, I know I live in Michigan and yes I know it’s only February. Come at me, bro. Winter is the worst and I just don’t care. I reserve the right to hate basically everything about it after Christmastime.)

(My current feelings)

I currently harbor an enormous sense of inadequacy because none of these places will hire me and it’s awful. I don’t know if I would feel quite this terrible if it wasn’t like, 15 degrees out and snowy and shit. I probably would but at least my face wouldn’t hurt because of the cold cold wind and being cooped up inside for days on end. I don’t entirely know how to snap out of it, but at least I know it’s February and things are (Jesus God I hope) coming to and end soon.

Winter is here and it can quit. As soon as I get a job, I, too, can quit.

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Burn It Down

How do you know when to distance yourself from a friend? Or to break up with them completely? Part of my problem is that I don’t think that I can break up with up with him (per say). All of my friends are close friends with him and my fella is tight with him and I’m just going to have to stay away, if I can. It’s going to be hard. I don’t have a lot of friends in the area as it is. Once again, I’d be the odd (wo)man out.

However, it’s almost harder knowing that things have changed. Once upon a time we really were friends. But things have changed over the last 10+ years and maybe I’m just living in a dream world. It’s a genuine shame his girlfriend is fun. I wish there was a way to invite her without him and not have it be awkward. I don’t think that’s a thing, though.
How do you make friends as an adult? Can someone tell me?

In other news, one of my mother’s friends apparently has bedbugs. Since November. And she’s been here twice and she neglected to tell us. Part of me wants to give her the benefit of the doubt because she’s sick and has a crappy family and frankly, bedbugs can happen to anyone, but on the other hand – she neglected to tell us and now we might have bedbugs too #burnthehousedown. Mom, for whatever reason, isn’t that perturbed. Dad, on the other hand, is kinda pissed. I am also not too thrilled. The fella wants me to move in until all of this is settled. I don’t really know what to do. I’m just trying to avoid getting in trouble.

2018 is not off to a great start.

It’s Not Me, It’s You

I broke my promise to write every week (or at least I think I did). But I’m writing more than once every three months and let’s look at that as a victory, shall we?

I quit my therapist this week.
Or to be more exact I fired her. I accessed the hive mind and it seemed like the time is right. I have been seeing her since January and we’re at a standstill. She’s given some good advice, especially in regards to my mother. But, on the other hand, she hasn’t given enough words. I would say something and she would go “Yup, she’s awful.”
Then each session would turn into how I’m wasting my potential and why I haven’t quit my job.
This, obviously, got old. I tried to divert the conversation back to where I wanted, but it didn’t work. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough? But I also can’t help but think I shouldn’t have to try hard enough?

So I canceled my last appointment and I’ve ghosted her. I’ll try therapy again in a few months when insurance elections settle (changing things at work), but yeah. I need different help.

Considering I got help to begin with and I’m willing to try again, this is also a victory, right?

Jam of the Day – The Head and the Heart “Rhythm and Blues”

 

It Might Be Okay To Feel Your Feelings

I had my first therapy appointment about a week ago. It went considerably better than I expected. I was incredibly nervous, which apparently is quite normal. What I expected was the following (or something like it).

“So, why are you here? Tell me a bit about yourself,” says the nice, yet intimidating older therapist lady.

“…well, I’m not sure. I don’t really get along with my mother, which causes a lot of tension…er…fights in the house. I also am, I guess, anxious about a lot of stuff. Like, I don’t know…I just thought this would be a good idea? You know, I figured it couldn’t hurt or whatever,” I reply, timidly, looking around the office at all the books and boxes of Kleenex, tucked in corners for use by clients who burst into tears at a moment’s notice.

“…If that’s all, frankly, I’m not sure I can really help you. You either need to be bonkerballs or…no, that’s really it. So call me when you’re stark raving mad, okay? You do seem awful nice,” comes the somewhat canned response as she hands me a card and sends me on my way.

 

…This clearly did not occur. The therapist was kind and amusing and gentle with the fact that it was blatantly obvious that I was basically terrified. We just chatted and I didn’t come off like a lunatic. I have another appointment coming up and to say I’m looking forward to it is an exaggeration, but it’s certainly not something I’m dreading now. It’s also not something I plan on telling my mother about. There are some things she just doesn’t need to know about, you know?

Jam of the Day – Arkells “11:11”