On Uncertainty

I have been feeling a sense of unease over the past few weeks. I don’t really know where it’s been coming from. Is it because of the…everything? Or is it something more concrete? Who’s to say? I mean, there are definitely stressful things going on.

I have been trying to learn to sit with the idea of uncertainty. My therapist sent me exercises in doing such things. I’m not a worrier in the way that my mother is. She can chew on things for days and weeks and months until it basically wears a hole in the carpet. I’m not quite that extreme. However, I’m much more better (and more comfortable with) the mild unease that comes with a sort of long-term, low-key thing. I would much rather it worm its way in that way. Or…whatever.

But there’s nothing really to come of it other than some sleepless nights and upset stomachs (on its more uppity days) and then nothing else. So I don’t even know how to maneuver around it – or even without it. This is a new thought for me. And it doesn’t even necessarily stem from the need to know the outcome for everything. Especially because I know full well, especially in the hellscape that is 2020, that I won’t be able to know the outcome to everything. That’s just insane. But to have more of an inkling sure would be nice. I guess I’m just going to have to let go of that idea.

And this is where, in front of…all two of you…that I have to admit that I’m more like my mother than I care to admit to.
This is going to be hard.

I’m learning to sit with uncertainty. It’s only taken…6 months of *waves hands*. Let’s see where we go from here.